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I actually saw this sketch last night after an anti-climactic Saints-Lions game hash couldn’t even improve, but Maura reminded me with an email this morning. It was pitch perfect Inside the NBA. Chuck as Shaq, Kenan Thompson as Chuck, Jay Pharoah as Kenny Smith and a perfectly annoyed Bill Hader as Ernie Johnson. One of the best sketches on a night when the Round Mound of Rebound hosted.
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Charles Barkley Prepaid Phone Cards circa 1995
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Remember the Charles Barkley video game set in a post-cyberpocalyptic future New York 2053 called Neo New York?
Well, it happened.
The game takes place in a post-cyberpocalyptic New York called “Neo New York”, after a “chaos dunk” causes the death of millions.
Twelve years before the game, Charles Barkley, in order to win his first game attended by his then-infant son Hoopz Barkley, performs the first Chaos Dunk—and inadvertently kills almost everyone present. As a result, basketball was made illegal and nearly all great players were killed in “The Great B-Ball Purge of 2041” (a.k.a “B-Ballnacht”).
In 2053, another Chaos Dunk rocks Manhattan, killing fifteen million, and the blame falls on Charles, who is believed to be the only human capable of performing the Chaos Dunk. With the help of the Ultimate Hellbane, another outlaw portrayed as a serial killer by the media, Charles escapes his pursuers: the B-Ball Removal Department, led by ex-NBA all-star Michael Jordan. Charles follows Ultimate Hellbane through the B-Ball Catacombs to the tomb of LeBron James, discovering that the Ultimate Hellbane is actually Balthios - the Octoroon great grandson of LeBron James. James contacts Charles from the B-ball dimension, offering him a warning which tells him to “seek the Cyberdwarf.”
After James vanishes into the b-ball dimension, Charles and Balthios enter the sewers under Neo New York to find the Cyberdwarf. Shortly after entering, they encounter a cyborg — who they discover is Vince Carter. Carter, now named Vinceborg 2050, reveals that—after he was killed in the Purge, someone had rebuilt him. However, he cannot remember who did it or why, and joins Charles and Balthios hoping to recover this memory. The three find Cyberdwarf in a town called Cesspool X, who assumes that Balthios brought him the wrong Barkley—he wanted Hoopz. Cyberdwarf joins them and they rush to the church, where Balthios took Hoopz before rescuing Charles.
Upon reaching the Church, they find that Jordan had arrived before them, killed the priest Larry Bird, and is holding Hoopz hostage. When Hoopz approaches the altar of the post-cyberpocalyptic version of God, Clispaeth, Cyberdwarf notes that Hoopz might be “The One.” This triggers the return of Vinceborg’s memory, and he explains that he was created by the terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. to kill him. Charles, Balthios, and Cyberdwarf try to stop Vinceborg, with Jordan joining with him. Vinceborg and Jordan retreat after being defeated, and Charles, Hoopz, Balthios, and Cyberdwarf return to Cesspool X.
You’re welcome.
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Charles Barkley on LeBron James, Race, and ESPN
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I heard about LeBron James’ little tweet…He’s making a list of people that said something bad about him. Well, I want to make sure my name is on that list, because I thought that little one-hour special was a punk move. I thought them dancing on stage was a punk move…Him joining Dwayne Wade’s team was disappointing to me…If he wants to take that as criticism, so be it. He know where I be. I’m easy to find. I’m on TV every week.
— Charles Barkley (via nbaoffseason)
